Today, I'm going to be a total jerk wad.

I'm going to drive like I'm racing and cut off every Honda I see. I'm also going to cut off every blue car, every truck and anything with four plus wheels (unless it has two, then I'll cut it off for not having enough wheels).

If it's raining, I'm going to tailgate every vehicle that ends up in front of me. And I'm going to speed like I've got a football player in the back of a white Bronco.

Red lights might as well be green because I'm going to pay no attention. And if a car gets in front of me and stops at a red light (or stop sign or for a fire truck) I'm going to lay on my horn like the sound is keeping me alive. If time permits, I'm going to give the other driver the double bird and set his head on fire with my stare.

Today, I'm going to shout at the grocery store cashier for a price being incorrect. It doesn't matter that the cashier won't in any way be at fault for the mislabeled salsa. And I'm not going to give a crap that the price was only off by fifty cents. You know why? Because the twenty seconds it takes the cashier to find the proper price will absolutely ruin my day. My time is valuable. In that twenty seconds, I could have scratched my ass or caught the first verse of some song on the radio in the car.

And the cashier is only a lowly human anyway. Any person working a register has to be completely incompetent.

Today, I'm going to blast music in my apartment as loudly as I can. Even if it's midnight and a week night, you bet everyone within fifty feet of my apartment will rock their arms off to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. Everyone loves Metallica, and if they don't, they'll get over it.

After all, I just got two new subwoofers that need breaking in. And Metallica is so much better at full volume. Anything less is an insult.

Today, I'm going to toss my coffee cup in the general vacinity of a trash can. But that's it. If it lands in the trash can, fine. If not, I don't care. Someone else will pick it up, like some juvenile delinquent with court-appointed civic duty. Besides, I've got better things to do than touch garbage. And once my coffee is gone from the cup, it's officially garbage and not my problem.

Today, I'm going to glare at a child, complain about a stranger who will do nothing offensive and bitch some stranger out about a late fee that I'm completely responsible for but don't want to pay.

Today, I'm going to be a total and complete asshole.

Just because I can.

And tomorrow, hopefully, someone will pull me into a dark ally and forcibly remove the giant branch from my ass.