This is what I've learned about parking lot etiquette.

I've been licensed by the grand ol' state of Texas to operate a motor vehicle for nearly a decade now, and I've noticed a thing or two.

So I've decided to record my observations here for future drivers. After all, this is stuff they don't teach you in driver's ed.

The goal in every parking lot is to find a place to park your vehicle (hence the 'parking' name).

Parking lot etiquette is not a constant, though. Rules vary from parking lot to parking lot. Here you'll find common types of parking lots and the appropriate legalities and essentials of survival in each particular one.

Shopping Malls in December

In large, busy parking lots such as the local mall, certain cars are allowed spots over other cars. The hierarchy is determined soley on window decals and bumper stickers. The order is as follows:
- Anything of the Christian persuasion: If you don't love Jesus, you don't deserve to shop during the holidays. Period.
- Anything with a children's sport: Because athletic children deserve more presents over other children. That and athletic childrens' parents are (vicariously) famous, therefore they have celebrity status and they shouldn't walk as far as the common folk.
- Anything with Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) peeing on anything: You don't want to fight these people. Unless Jesus is on your side or your kid plays peewee soccer. Only then do you stand a chance.
- Anything political/war/troop related: These people have guns in their cars. If Jesus, an athletic child or Calvin are on your side, you're bullet proof. If not, yield and yield quickly.

If a vehicle ignores the hierarchy and pulls into a spot, the other vehicle/party is allowed to ram the offending car. Every collison should be followed by flippin' the bird, honking the horn and yelling "Merry f*ck*ng Christmas, d*ckh**d!" Then, the wronged party should peel out and hit at least four other vehicles while exiting the scene.


Catholic Parking Lots (Sundays Only)

All bets are off. Every driver for him/herself. No matter what crime/offense you commit in a Catholic parking lot, you can be forgiven for it later in confession. Thus the beauty of the Catholic faith- a few Hail Maries and you're as good as new.

For extra protection from Hell, make sure a rosary is hanging from your rearview mirror. Or keep a small bible in your glove box.

When an available spot is seen and two drivers are trying to get it, using God's name in vain, threats of bodily harm and even vehicular manslaughter are all perfectly acceptable. UNLESS you harm an alter boy. That's the priest's job; don't take that away from him.


Grocery Stores

If a person is not in a vehicle (pushing a cart, carrying bags, walking from a vehicle to the store, etc.) he/she is a target if he/she is in the way of a prime spot. Running over a pedestrian is completely legal and okay. In the event of major harm, you are allowed to collect the injured person's groceries and put them in your own car. Calling an ambulance is unnecessary. They have no right of way in grocery lots.

If it is raining, feel free to park in the NO PARKING/EMERGENCY FIRE LANE. Rain is an emergency. You don't want your plastic grocery bags getting wet.

Handicapped spots are reserved for Mercedes and Yukons only. No handicapped plate/ID is required.


College/Universities

If you are a university student and own a car and have a parking permit from your university/college, your car is under no circumstance allowed in a university lot. You vehicle will be towed, smashed into a cube and incinerated if it remains on the premises for more than 37 seconds.


Parking Garages

There is only one rule for parking garages- take up as much space as possible.

If your vehicle is huge, park it in the smallest spot you can find.

If you're in a small, two-seater sports car, park sideways and take up two spots. Three spots is ideal, though.

If you see a vehicle that's parked perfectly between the lines and it appears that the driver/passengers have ample room to enter/exit the vehicle, park as closely as possible. This person has no right to be able to open the doors. Their punishment shall be to enter their vehicle through the trunk/back door or wait for you to leave.


AND A GENERAL RULE FOR ANY PARKING SITUATION: If the vehicle you park next to looks like the owner goes to great lengths to maintain it, be sure to smash your door into that car as hard as possible. If it's December, do it twice. You can also steal the antenna if you'd like. They make great play swords.