Tests aren't the best judges of intelligence.

There are IQ tests, SAT tests, ACT tests, AP tests, EOC exams, TAAS or TAKS tests, MCATs, LSATs, blood tests ...

The list goes on for ages. They're all used to meter intelligence (well, except for blood, but that day is coming). The problem is that some people are fantastic at standardized tests and numbed-brained when it comes to everything else. The opposite is also true; some fantastically genius people can't sit still long enough to take an intelligence test.

Well, luckily for the American-English-speaking world, I've come up with an easy way to instantly determine a person's true intellgence.

The pronunciation of the word "naked" is a true gauge of intelligence.

Saying ney-kid means that a person is at the very least, smart.

Saying nek-kid means that a person is, well, dim.

Now, all of you nekkid sayers, don't get your synapses in a wad. You might be clever and witty and artistic, but think about it. Aren't you a little dumb? Just a little bit?

You might be thinking, "I'm as smart as a club of fish, I is!" And I'm proud of you for having such elevated self-esteem. But you aren't smart. You're just manipulative or charmed.

Because if you say nekkid, ya ain't got that sharpa tools in yer shed, ya know? Ya just don't, hun.

There are some very powerful (and regretfully respected) people who say nekkid. I can only blame this on the sad fact that a good 49ish percent of the US population are nekkid sayers. But it's only fair that those in the nekkid sayer population have adequate representation in high society and politics.

But for us naked folk (ha!), this can be a bad thing.

So, in order for us to save the country, every child must be given extensive speech therapy to correct or ideally prevent the perpatuation of the nekkid pronunciation.

With the phase out we'll see more-efficiently-designed roads. There will be less hair in restaurant food. The cost of oil and gas will drop. And radio stations will stop playing only eight-year-old top forty hits.

I ask you, go out and help a nekkid person. Give him ego massage he needs to rise in society! May he use this new tool daily! May he stand erect and proclaim to the entire world, "Naked is the way to be!" ... What? Too much inuendo?