Principal Harwood's Post-Bakesale Speech to the High School PTA

As you may have heard on the local news, we recently had a bake sale sponsored by the Art Department.

As you may have heard on the national news, some of the baked goods in the sale were, well, goods that could get you baked.

Let me be the first to tell you that from now on, we will be more weary of labels such as "Crippling Chip Cookies" or "Buzznana Bread" and especially "Pot Stickies." And any brownies that sell for over ten dollars each will be collected and tested for marijuana.

Unfortunately, several of the students and even the faculty managed to consume the afflicted sweets. In fact, only the diabetics and anorexics avoided the bake sale.

And regretfully, the bake sale took place near the end of the grading period. So if there's confusion with your student's status sheet, know that we usually don't give smiley faces, peace signs and check marks for grades. Once we manage to retrieve all of the record books from the swimming pool and air ducts, we'll have accurate grade reports sent directly to your homes.

For those of you not in attendance at Friday night's football game, it's necessary for you to know we had to forfeit. Half of the football team didn't even show up because they were passed out in their cars. And the other half were giggling at Sponge Bob Square Pants in the locker room. Only it wasn't really Sponge Bob. It was our mascot Terry the Tuna. We're going to need another fundraiser to get money for a new mascot costume. Part of Terry got eaten.

I am glad to report, though, that concession sales at the football game were at an all-time high. Wait, not a high! I mean they were the best we've ever seen.

The band also had a performance at an elementary school on Friday afternoon. It went surprisingly well. They didn't play "Stars and Stripes Forever" like they usually do, but they did play the entire Pink Floyd album "The Wall." Although Mr. Bartose, the band teacher, swears he's never taught them any of those songs. Man, isn't our band is talented!

I also have to report that there isn't going to be a school paper this week. It went to the printers on Friday and when we got it on Monday morning, all twelve pages were blank except for the front where someone had written "What are you going to do for me meow?" The date had also been changed to April twentieth even though this is October. We promise to have a paper next week that's more accurate and full of content.

Some good news, though, is that there wasn't a single fight or student sent to my office all day on Friday. Other than the incesant giggling in the halls, everyone was on their best behavior.

And that about does it. But before I conclude, I must add that I don't know who specifically brought each item to the bake sale. I've also gotten several messages asking how these items were made. I don't know the recipes, but know that we're doing out best to make sure other students don't know. We appreciate your concern and we're on it.

Now, here's Vice President Centerly with the updated dress code.