A day in the life of a restaurant ketchup bottle.

Sigh.

My life is pretty simple. I sit on a Chili's table and people squeeze* me over their fries and burgers. Sometimes, a rubbery steak.

Once someone sqeezed me over a salad. Thought that was kind of odd.

But I mainly just sit here on this table in this Chili's restaurant. Every day, some angry teenager tops me off with more ketchup. The old stuff never seems to get emptied out. Seriously. I've got 6 month old ketchup in me. It must have solidified by now. It's either a tomato again or it has fermented into chunky moonshine. If I'm lucky, the greasy fingerprints get wiped off of me.

I like it when the blonde chick tops me off. She has warm hands. And she usually moves me to a different table. I like the booths by the window. I can see the highway from table thirteen. Sometimes I pretend I have legs and arms. In my fantasy, I grab the nearest steak knife and bust the window. Then I sprint to my freedom and to the amusement park across the street. There I'd be the main ketchup bottle at one of those concession stands. Aw, that'd be the life. Living outdoors, getting squirted on hotdogs and pretzels.

But alas, that's only a fantasy. Instead I'm trapped in family-restaurant Hell.

Once a baby grabbed me and sucked a good amount of ketchup out before her sloth of a mother noticed. "Jamie, put that dow-un. I say-ed put tha-at dow-un!" She screeched for a good seventeen seconds before she realized the kid COULDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH YET!

Little kids suck, too. Instead of enjoying the ketchup on food, they seem to enjoy making art out of it. I'm wasted on napkins and table tops. Although, one kid did create a fantastic work of a tree and some birds. There was even a flower with a smiley face. That was nice. I usually just get sqeezed for the purpose of making pointless squirlies and sqiggles. The busboys wipes the ketchup away with disguist. He hates me. I know it.

You know who has it good? Dressing cups. Ranch, for example, is special. It comes out in those little cups. You have to ask for extra ranch because it's a priveledge. Ketchup, though, gets left out in the open to be fondled and shoved around and wasted.

I shouldn't complain, though. After all, I could be one of those little half & half cups. Once they've been used, life is over. That and half & half tastes like crap. At least ketchup is delicious.

*I know. Chili's uses glass bottle that you can't squeeze. Guess what? THIS ISN'T REAL!