I need a photographer.

(A blog from ten in the morning as opposed to ten at night! Loony!)

Buying presents for people is often a panic-inducing activity for me. Heck, I even wrote an ad about it a year ago.

Will he like it? Will she just return it? Will it live under a bed for years? Will it match that shirt from last year? Will it wrinkle? Will it break? Will it smell bad after a few weeks?

Buying presents just sucks. And I suck at it. So this year I had just decided to give up. Everyone gets a phone call. That's my present. Too bad I'm awkward on the phone.

But then I had an epiphany about ten minutes ago. An epiphany so strong that I felt compelled to write my blog twelve hours earlier than I normally do. Because I've discovered something that everyone can and will enjoy.

Posters. Everyone is getting a personalized poster from me.

Of me!

GENIUS!

I was perusing a you-make-it-we'll-print-it website (I'd give you the name, but then I'd want money from them and it's a bad time of year to negotiate stuff like that) when I discovered the custom, large print poster. And I thought about how awesome it would be to have a poster of me.

Seriously. I love myself.

And other people would love a poster of me, too. Think about it. It'd be like I'm there all of the time. I could live in someone's office or above a bed. On the back of a closet door or be framed over the mantle. I could be in the garage over the tool bench or hang in the bathroom.

Screw you, Extreme Tickle Me Elmo. This year's hot holiday commodity is a wall full o' me.

A four by six picture of me smiling in your wedding ain't good enough. Oh no. Twenty-three by thirty inches of Johnson goodness (snicker) is what it's all about.

But what picture to use?

Off the top of my head, nothing is seasonal enough. So I'm going to need a photographer. Perhaps a hair and makeup person, too. And someone to dress me. I do have a closet full of pretty, long dresses from other people's weddings, though, that'll look smashing. Ooh, like the black one! I could hold a red rose and be sitting on a park bench surrounded by snowmen. CUTE!

Oh, it's going to be a very merry Christmas indeed!

Be sure to send me your address so I can send you a poster. Happy holidays.

(You know I'm kidding, right?)