There is something more offensive than the Ugg Boot out there.

I've ranted before about Ugg Boots before. About how they're an abomination to everything decent about having functioning eyes. About how the makers of Uggs are laughing in their factories at the idiot sheep who wear the so-called "fashionable foot ware." And about how they're unnecessary in environments such as Dallas, because it rarely gets below fifty degrees F here.

But the other day, I saw something that kicked the Uggly ass off of Uggs. In fact, I don't even know what to call these boots. Space Uggs?

They looked like Uggs. Big, fluffy, clunky, laced. But these were metallic silver. I think I saw a video of some guy wearing them on the moon. He wore them for their stepping and leaping purposes.

But these boots, oh these boots and the bleached out, daisy duke wearing, leather-faced girl in them actually offended me.

The fact that these boots were concepted for normal, everyday wear and not for mining in icy silver mines offended me. The fact that multiple people thought they were a good enough idea to be prototyped offended me. The fact that after the prototype was created, somebody invested a shit ton of money to mass produce them really offended me.

And the fact that some dippy 19 year old was prancing through MY Nordstrom with her poor boyfriend in tow in these repugnant, plasticky blocks OFFENDED ME.

If I wasn't seated and sipping a tea at the time, I would have chased her down and beaten her and her silver boots with my silver crutches.

Why? Why would someone wear wool-lined space boots to the mall? Why? I'm honestly asking. Does anyone understand the appeal these things? They're so horrible?

I saw some the other day that looked like, I don't know, a 1980s spray paint artist went back to BC and did some decorating for a cave family living in the Alaskan tundra. They were just ... neon and pink and green and yellow and plain wrong.

I've seen them in all colors and textures. I've seen everything except for the logic. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!

Seriously. Apparently my email was down and I didn't get the memo. Someone, anyone, fill me in. Please? Or I'm going to start clubbing people caveman style.