My bachelorette party will not be like those other parties.

It seems impossible to go anywhere on a Saturday night without running into a bachelorette party.

That means it's impossible to go almost anywhere without having a gaggle of drunk girls falling over stuff and dropping little plastic wieners everywhere.

I've taken note of the bachelorette shenanigans. Hell, I've even arranged some. But when it's my turn, I want something a little more low key. Not that I don't enjoy a crazy, good time. That insanity just isn't for me.

So, naturally, I've thought of my own bachelorette party. Not that it's happening anytime soon, but a girl can't help but start a mental list.

Mental lists, on slow nights, turn into blog lists.

So here it is. The list of crap I will not tolerate at my bachelorette party.

Wearing a Veil
I don't plan on getting married in one. I don't plan on wearing one to a bar. The end.

Wearing a Crown/Tiara
I'm not a princess (granted, I'm the Queen of Awesome, but that's different). I'm just a chick who's getting hitched. Certainly I'll have some kind of ring on. That should do it.

Penis-Shaped Things
I don't really get the appeal of little penis straws or penis erasers. And if someone puts a veil covered in penises on my head, I might have to commit homicide. Who thought that was a good idea?

The Song "Baby Got Back"
I hate that damn song. If it plays and I'm expected to dance to it, someone's losing an eye.

Strange Men Touching Me
I don't presently allow strange men to touch me whether I'm sober or drunk. I definitely won't want them touching me if I'm physically devoted to another human. Especially if it's the week before the most important day of my life. That's just not my bag.

Strippers
Nothing wrong with strippers. I just don't want them jiggling their bits in my face. That's what husbands are for.

No Miscellaneous Props
No scepters. No sashes. No condoms. No glitter. My normal clothes and accessories will suffice.

No "Bride-To-Be T-Shirts"
I'm in advertising. So it would be nice to spend a night not advertising. That and I really don't need the entire world knowing this is my last hurrah.

What I do want, though, are my closest friends. In fact, a good ol' fashioned girls' night will do nicely. And, of course, a few glasses of wine.