Little Miss Muffet ran away with Humpty Dumpty.

Nursery rhymes need some updating if you ask me.


Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider that sat down beside her
And quickly became a blob of pastey protein after Miss Muffet went postal on his thorax with her wooden shoe.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the kings men
Couldn't put Humpty together again because none of them were Mr. Dumpty's primary care physicians, or on his HMO plan at all for that matter.


This little piggie went to market.
This little piggie stayed home.
This little piggie had roast beef.
This little piggie had none.
This little piggie had bacon. Pork bacon. And he got mad pork disease and is now living in a padded room.


Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill collected a heap of money from Jack's life insurance and now she lives in a mansion atop the hill.


Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And can't tell where to find them.
Leave them alone and they'll come home
Dragging their asses behind them. They'll all be pregnant, strung out on the nose candy and toothless. Should've been a better sheep watcher, Peepsies. Do you know where your lambs are?


Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe
And he called for a bowl.
And he called that dude that hangs out by the Jack 'n' the Box cause he's the one with the good stuff. Go slip him some Benjamins and tell him the king sent you. You'll be a merry old soul, too.


Jack, be nimble.
Jack, be quick.
Jack, jump over the candlestick.
Hmm. Perhaps I should have told you this before you busted yo' punk head rolling down a mountain for some water. We have indoor plumbing, ya fool.


Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye;
Four and twenty blackbirds
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened,
They all began to sing.
Now, wasn't that a dainty dish
To set before the King who had hella munchies. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.
(Yeah, I'm not going to touch that one. It's already screwed up enough.)