You need to learn how to use punctuation.

The written word is suffering from abuse.

Too many people are ... typing sentences like this.

Using unnecessary ellipses. Sometimes, adding commas in weird, places like this.  Or ... committing mortal sins, by doing ... BOTH!

Ugh. It makes reading your tripe even more painful than listening to a lipless person smack on vanilla pudding.

So (again) I come to the rescue of the helpless. If you're wondering when it's appropriate to use an ellipses (...) or a comma (,) or any sort of punctuation, I offer the following advice:

Spell it out.

Don't use an actual comma. Type "comma." Keep your fingertips far away from the period key and simply type "ellipses." When you're excited, end your sentence with "exclamation point."

An example:

Hey everyone exclamation point Here's my monthly newsletter ellipses just for you exclamation point So comma how're you doing question mark I've got some exciting news ellipses I'm getting a new couch exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point smiley face Isn't that awesome question mark exclamation point It's red comma with black spots comma like something from the fifties period I just love it so much ellipses and Muffy my puddle parentheses that's pug and poodle mix exclamation point parenthesis will look sooo cute sitting on it exclamation point exclamation point Well ellipses that's all for this month period 

Love ya comma 

Stephie

Upon reading your words, if you find any of the punctuation markers jarring, simply delete it. If it seems appropriate, replace it with the proper symbol. 

Here's the paragraph (although not perfect, we're not going to give the fictitious Stephie that much credit) once edited:
Hey everyone! Here's my monthly newsletter ... just for you! So, how're you doing? I've got some exciting news: I'm getting a new couch! Isn't that awesome? It's red with black spots like something from the fifties. I just love it so much, and Muffy my puddle (that's pug and poodle mix) will look sooo cute sitting on it! Well, that's all for this month.
Love ya,
Stephie

See? With all of that extraneous crap deleted, Stephie's IQ appears higher. She's now on par with a jam jar!

If you desire another punctuation filter, I strongly suggest one of the verbal persuasion. Just read your little note out loud. (Side note: This is actually great to do after writing anything. Take it from a professional writer, you'll catch mistakes you'd never notice on screen or paper.)

And with that, I bless you and wish you better written communication exclamation point

I miss you, photography.

Dear Photography,

Long time no see, my old friend. How've you been?

I've been alright. Been hanging out with writing quite a bit. Make that for years, actually. 

But you're more than aware of that.

I know you and I haven't spoken much since I decided to dedicate my professional life to written words instead of the implied thousand that a picture portrays. And I know it's probably made you feel hurt and betrayed.

Because I never left my house, dorm room, or college apartment without a camera in tow. But money was tight and film cost money where typing didn't.

Then the digital invasion took over. Granted, I got a point-and-shoot complete with CCD. But snapping candids just didn't (and still doesn't) have the same stealth that a film-based SLR had (and has). I didn't want to get a digital SLR, either. I would miss the familiar CLAP of the mirror flipping up, or the shutter sliding to expose the film. That 1/60 of a second of blindness through the lens. The fear of wrongly exposing the delicate film or even accidentally opening the camera back.

So I fought the digital invasion. Refusing to shoot brides with anything but film. Telling clients that digital really wasn't "there yet."

Didn't matter. Brides wanted their photos on discs. People wanted their albums online. The world went the way of DPI instead of millimeters of celluloid.

And so I left, photography. I abandoned you. I slipped out one night while you were sleeping. 

And I've regretted it. I miss you daily.

So I've decided to bite the bullet that killed our relationship. I've decided to research and test out and commit.

I will buy a fancy digital SLR. I'll get lenses and flashes.

And we will be reunited. That is if you'll have me back.

Because in our time apart, I've realized writing might be my lover, but you are my soul mate.

Music moves me. And my clothes.

Have you ever heard a song that makes you want to get naked?

Not necessarily do anything prurient, but just expose your bare skin to the air around it.

Some songs just warrant nudity.

Tonight, my iTunes is throwing the clothes-tossers at me. Oddly enough, it's while I'm hanging laundry.

The lyrics speak of city lights, but all I hear is, "Take off your shoes."

The singer croons of sleeping, but I'm too busy slipping off my socks.

The beat is slow, lazy. I realize the insanity that's taken over just before I lose my pants.

It's so odd, right? The desire to just stand there exposed to the speakers? To the song that plays? Not dancing. Not moving. Just standing.

Am I the only person who feels this?

Sometimes, music effects me while driving. We've all experienced this. The bass kicks in, the volume goes up, and the accelerator goes down.

Off into the distance you ride.

But sometimes, the beat just feels harder. The volume drowns out any logic.

And you're undoing your belt at 80 miles an hour on the state highway.

"Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Through the armhole of my tank top I manage to reply, "Because my registration is expired?"

Tonight, my knee surgery paid for itself.

Tonight I jogged.

For the first time in I'm not sure how long.

Years. And months.

At first, I simply walked next to my lightly jogging friend. This has been our routine for almost a year now. She'd jog slowly so I could keep up. Not running. Because I wasn't physically able.

But tonight, my knee simply said, "Go."

And I started lightly. Picking up my knees. Feeling my feet spring against the road.

I pushed the earth down, behind me, and propelled forward.

I had a pace, a cadence. And I followed it.

I jogged for blocks. Despite the wheezing. Despite the light drizzle.

Step for step. Beat for beat. Inhaling. Exhaling.

A shot fired through my side. A cramp. I haven't had a side cramp in years. And months.

Because I wasn't able to run.

My side hurt. But it also felt so good.

I called my parents. I called my boyfriend. I wanted to buy a billboard and tell all of Dallas, "Hey! I jogged tonight!"

I'll give my knee the day's rest I'm sure it will demand come morning. And then I'm going to jog again.

Bring on the pain.

Things went downhill when Han Solo got email.

It only took a few days before the flood of so-called surveys splashed into Han Solo's email.

Not sure how to handle the situation, he did what most new-to-the-Internet types do. He answered the questions.

[The following questions are from an actual "survey" that was posted in a MySpace friend's bulletin from this morning.]

1) Have you ever taken a shower with another person?
Person, no. Wookie? Yes.

2) Who ended your last relationship?
I did. With a gun.

3) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Dusting the instrument panel on the Falc.

4) Have you ever been in love?
Once. Tasted like scotch.

5) Where is your mom at?
Obviously not here.

6) Last text you got?
"Want 2 go get mud baths l8r? J/K buddy." from Lando Calrissian

7) Something you are excited about?
Chewy's bald spot is spreading. He looks like a pimple.

8) Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?
Leia can!

9) Do you regret your past relationship?
Only meeting that Kenobi jackass. ... Just kidding. He's alright.

10) What are you doing tonight?
Playing cards with the Wookies.



11) What is the last thing you said aloud?
Your clothes are that way. The door is that way.

12) What was the last thing you had to drink?
Technically blood. The last thing I said caused me to get punched.

13) What are you doing tomorrow?
Visiting Endor for vacation. I've got a cabin there.

14)Where is your dad?
Not with my mom, I can guaran-damn-tee.

15) Last girl you talked on the phone with?
Leia.

16) Last guy you talked on the phone with?
Luke.

22) Where was your default picture taken?
My cabin on Endor. An Ewok took it for me.

23) Last person you rode in a car with under the age of 20?
I'm not answering that.

24) Are you friends with the last person you kissed?
Never befriend those you kiss.

25) Who was the last person you drove with?
Chewy.

26) Where’s your favorite place to be?
A warm woman on a cold night.

27) Name something that made you laugh today?
Getting punched in the face, actually. Such a tiny woman's fist.

28) Would you ever kiss the last person you kissed again?
Doesn't look like that's going to happen.

29) If you could move somewhere else, where would you?
Not Alderaan, that's for sure.

30) Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Among other things.

31) Do you believe exes can be friends?
I don't believe currents can be friends.

32) Do you prefer to call or text?
I just show up. If you're lucky.

33) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Myself in the reflection of the Falc's hood.

34) Was yesterday better than today?
Not yet. But it's not 5, either.

35) Can you live a day without TV?
Yes. But it can't live a day without me.

36) What are you listening to?
Really?

37) What is your ring tone?
It's that sound Chewy makes when he's angry.

39) Last time you spent the night at someone's house?
Two nights ago. It's how I got this soon to be scar on my back.

40) Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Football. Especially when Mygeeto is playing.

41) Coke or Pepsi?
Coke. Unfortunately it's not legally shipped to this end of the galaxy. But that doesn't stop me.

42) Beer or Liquor?
Depends on present company and how drunk I must get first.

43) What is your favorite holiday?
I hate them all equally.

44)Are you currently wearing shoes?
No. Is that important?

This random day deserves a random blog.

On a typical work day, I wish for a snack around 10 AM.

This is a typical work day.

Knowing that I had no food hiding in my office, I decided to ignore the groans from deep inside my gut.

Sometime around 10:30, I opened a drawer to grab my hand lotion.

And I found a banana.

Granted, I accidentally opened my snack drawer, but who knew there was a banana in there?

So I did what any normal person would do, I checked it for spots and ate it.

Full of fructose and thinking this day couldn't get any better, I continued on with my work and my other normal activities.

One of those activities being the daily back-and-forth email with my mom.

Today's email contained the sentence "OMGWTF that would be so funny."

Um, what?

Did my mother type that? I don't even do that abbreviation crap. Ever. I rebelled against it when I was 12; I'm rebelling against it now.

I would assume my 55 year old, techo-phobic, proper-English advocate of a mother would do the same.

So the only conclusion I can draw is that my mother has been kidnapped by a high schooler hoping that someone will cough up money for the old broad. Only he hasn't fully thought this plan thorough yet, so in the meantime he's responding to emails.

He replied too quickly, though. Probably because my mother is kicking him and trying to bite. She's feisty like that. But I can tell when an email isn't from my mother. Any daughter would know an email from her mother.

So I'm going to save the day and save my mom! I'm going to her work where I'll wait in the entry hall of her office. Luring the teenage kidnapper out with promises of beer.

As he goes through the door and steps onto the tiled surface, I'll toss out the banana peel from my snack. He'll slip and go sliding across the entryway and out the front door for the rest of the world to take care of.

Then Mom and I shall dine on almonds and discuss the finer things in life. Like Wintergeen Life Savers.

There needs to be gift-giving icons for random holidays.

With Easter comes the lovable, hoppity Easter Bunny who leaves eggs and chocolates for you to enjoy.

Christmas, of course, has Santa Claus, the number one super hero of all time*.

And each loss of a child's tooth becomes a mini holiday, for the sneaky Tooth Faerie comes and leaves crispy currency. This money is an investment since it will most likely get used on sticky candies, perfect for ripping out more teeth.

But what about Labor Day? Or Colombus Day? Or even Thanksgiving.

Well, kids, the buck stops right about HERE. I'm giving you the forgotten fellows who bring presents and joy to the more mundane holidays. Spread their stories with your brethren and these modest men will soon become more than fiction.


LABOR DAY LARRY is some CEO, mogul-type who lives in some swank pad in some city full of magic and lights. No one for sure knows which city, he could be in New York or Chicago. But at midnight every Labor Day, LDL drives his magical Masserati around the country in order to leave cash presents to the workers of the U.S. If you're a business person, you might find a bonus check tucked into your laptop. Or if you're a construction worker, twenty-dollar bills might be wrapped around your tools inside of your toolbox. Hair stylists would find cash inside of their hair dryers.

And as you, yes YOU, start your car in the morning, glad that you have this one day off of work, you'll find a fifty in the cup holder.

"Thank you, Labor Day Larry!" you'll say through the tears of joy.


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS sought a shorter route to India to obtain goods. Instead, he bumped into the Americas. And now he gives us goods on his holiday!

They say if you stand outside before the sun rises on Columbus Day, if you remain very quiet, you may hear the crashing of waves against a ship's hull. If you hear this sound, run back into your home and look in the bathtub! Because that's where Columbus will leave the Italian coffees!

It's customary to drink this special brew on Columbus Day morning. Otherwise, you'll be plagued by smallpox.


THANKSGIVING is a very special holiday. The whole point is to reflect on all of the great things in your life - family, friends, home, faith.

Eff that mess! We all want presents. We're just too nice to say it.

So PLYMOUTH PAUL comes to save the day. While you and yours are sleeping soundly, Plymouth Paul enters through the kitchen window. (If your abode has no kitchen window, he simply uses the primary door.) He leaves presents on the family's main-dining-room table, all splayed out like a Thanksgiving feast.

He leaves candles, over-sized sweaters, tie racks, mini statues - things you'd never buy for yourself. The super great thing, though, about PP's gifts is that they're regift-able. So if you hate your popcorn tin, give it to your cousin next month for Christmas**!

Talk about being thankful. You don't have to go Christmas shopping.

***

Oh, boy! I can't wait until Labor Day!


*Discounting Batman whose gifts are more valuable, yet intangible. I'm talkin' 'bout justice.
**Or any other holiday you might celebrate. I use Christmas simply because that's what I grew up with.