Have we met?

Too often, someone approaches you and strikes up a conversation like they've known you years.

In some cases, they have.

And you have no idea what this person's name is, what kind of alcohol he likes, or if he's ever worked with you.

Too often, you stand there like a blinking idiot, idiotically blinking and playing every who-are-you game you can think of. You mention your siblings, schools, jobs, bars - nothing works.

You: How's your, er, sister?

Stranger: Brother.

You: Oh, yeah. How's he?

Stranger: Dead.

You: Uh?

Stranger: We met at the funeral.

Then you run away and cut yourself to feel something that's less painful.

Well, I've taken a new approach on figuring out who people are.

Flat out say, "Dude, who are you?"

Being an awkward, foot-in-mouth comedian type has it's perks in situations like this. If you can get away with it, I offer the following lines*:

- You're going to have to remind me of your name. I drink a lot.

- I'm sorry, I've been in a coma and lost most of my memory. Where did we meet?

- [Interrupt him] I'm a terrible person and have no idea who you are. Please tell me. [Then say this exact same thing a minute later. Then periodically throughout the conversation. Be sure to end with] Nice to see you again, er ...

- I forget who you are. Remind me? [let him answer] Oh, yeah! I forgot you on purpose!

- Are you sure we've met? [he reminds you] Oh, I remember that night. But I still don't remember you, [name]. You must've made a horrible impression.

If all else fails, fake appendicitis and get out of there.

*Most of the time, I'm being completely sincere when I say these offensive things. That's what makes them so funny! To me!