Apparently, I'm old.

I have a spam problem.

I get the usual senseless spam--Viagra trials (I'm a chick), make-him-last-longer messages, clear-your-debt offers, and the list goes on.

But tonight I received a spam message that, well, freaked me out a little.

It's for the Hoveround (however it's spelled). You know, a motorized scooter for the elderly.

Now, I know I probably complained and talked about my ol' knee more than anyone cared to hear about. But does that really warrant a Hoveround? I'm walking quite well now.

My biggest question, though, is what website did I go to in order to land upon such a wrongly-targeted mailing list?

The sex aids make sense, I guess, cause I read Cosmo-esque articles online. I'm not ashamed of that. Every now and again, I'll read a celeb blog that'll say, "Hey, look at so-in-so's boobs!" And you know what? I'm going to be honest--I click. Because I want to compare those store bought boobs to mine. So ads that target nudity and stuff make sense.

The credit ads? I imagine everyone gets those. We all have bank accounts and credit cards.

The mortgage ads? Not that I own any property, but I'll chalk those up to doing credit checks and the like.

But a scooter for lame old people? That's pushing my buttons. I've spent too many thousands of dollars not to be lame (in the mobility sense). I would appreciate very much not to get ads reminding me of how much it blows being crippled.

How did I get on that list? Is it because I like to eat figs? I google "kittens?" My desktop is a bunch of flowers? I enjoy the smell of Bengay?

Oh, crap. It's because I watch the Golden Girls, isn't it?

I'm doomed.