My nose is broken.

I seriously think I've got some seriously messed up piping in my head.

Seriously.

I've got allergies that confuse doctors and snot that comes out of places it shouldn't (like my eyes, seriously, if that's too much for you to handle, you're obviously new to my crazy blog).

So I decided to give nasal lavage a try. What could it hurt? Worst case scenario, salt water would leak out of my eyes. Which it does naturally. Whatever.

I didn't go to the store and buy a netty pot. I actually received a free trial of Afrin Pure Sea nasal rinsing yadda yadda yadda. (I belong to this thing called Bzz Agent where you/I/we get free samples of new products. You/I/we are supposed to test them out and talk about them to friends, etc. You/I/we also get coupons to share. If you want to be a BzzAgent, let me know.)

So I read the instructions. I google "nasal rinsing" and watch videos. This sound easy! So I get the little bottle, lean over the sink, tilt my head and pour water into my nose.

What's supposed to happen is that the water will fill your nostril and then go through some tube in your nose and leave out the other nostril. If you do it improperly, water'll go down your throat and you'll hack a bit.

Well, the water went up my nostril and then ... I have no idea. I never swallowed it. It never came out my eyes. It never came back out my nose.

I think it's in my brain.

Confused, I pumped the little bottle of water into the sink. It worked. So I tried the other nostril. Again I assumed the position (ha) and sprayed water into my nose. I felt it collect into a little pool and then slowly overflow out the same nostril.

Perhaps I wasn't leaning enough? So I tilted my head more to the side and more forward. I'm now climbing onto the bathroom counter and damn near doing a handstand over the sink.

The water just sat there. Not going into the other nostril. Not going down my throat. Not cleaning anything.

This is physically impossible. So I right myself and the water just follows gravity.

I attempted to use this thing twice a day for two weeks. On the last day, I finally accidentally swallowed some water. But it never traveled to the other nostril.

So it's official. My nasal tubes are tied. Next time I go in for my quarterly nose/asthma check, I'll have my doctor take a look and make sure stuff's "normal." Cause if it ain't, well, what can I do?

Obviously not irrigate my nose.

If anyone wants a coupon for this thing, let me know. They're of no use to me.