That's a crappy offer, AT&T.

I've had a cell phone for 11 years now (almost 12). And I've never once left my provider.

Granted, Southwestern Bell became Cingular which was purchased by AT&T, so I've just traveled along that river to see where it went.

It went to a fancy iPhone two years ago. And today, I'm still talking into the same pre-3G brick and loving every second.

I'm even free from a contract now (ha!) and am grandfathered into a monthly bill that's delightfully $20 or $30 below what everyone else is paying. So I won't be buying the fancy 3GS anytime soon.

The bots over at AT&T  have realized that I'm no longer shackled to their service, and have decided to send me a generic form letter and offer via snail mail.

The offer? "Sign up for another two years and get a free phone."

Okay. I'm slightly intrigued. I keep reading.

"The free phone is valued at $200."

Pretty sure that phone won't be an iPhone (which is also $200 and, in my opinion, the greatest device to ever talk into), but I turn the page.

And I see some horrific blast-from-the-past LG piece of shit without a QUERTY keyboard (imagine) and a dinky little screen (how am I to check Facebook?). It looks like some plastic thing that Marty McFly would have Velcro-ed to his high-top.

And I just stopped looking right there. Then I ripped up the solicitation and ran it down the hall to the garbage chute. I didn't even want it in my trash bin.

Bitch, I'm on an iPhone. And I'm free of a contract! I'm paying less, getting more, and my phone is working better today than it did when I bought it (thanks, apps). How DARE you try to tempt me with some jerkass LG piece of stink bait.

I think AT&T isn't a) aware of how fiercely loyal iPhone users are or b) doesn't have the brains to send iPhone users something in lieu of a shitty downgrade. Having an advertising background and being forced to deal with idiot marketers and their even stupider superiors, I'd bet b.

So here's some advice to AT&T. Don't send shit to your iPhone users. Instead, offer us even a slight discount on a new phone (you can afford it, trust me, I've seen both my fiance and my bills) or send nothing.

Because when you have an iPhone, you don't have to go replacing your phone often. Because they don't crap out like other phones. I should know--I've done my fair share of destroying cell phones over the last decade. The iPhone is the only thing to survive me (yes, it has stayed intact being dropped from great heights).

If you weren't the only provider of this glorious little computer, I'd leave in a heartbeat (but not for Verizon, they're cockeaters, too)