Hey, that headline isn't right.

The headline reads, "Ugly women's Final Four court."

I believe what it's trying to say is that the court is ugly. Unfortunately, it's saying that the women are ugly.

The proper phrasing is, "Women's ugly Final Four court."

I could be wrong, and the original phrasing could be correct. After all, there's a chance that the entire team isn't very pretty.

But I doubt that.

That's great.

What phrase am I trending right now?

"That's great."

Which isn't great.

I find myself saying it after just about anything.


Friend: I painted my walls this bright color.
Me: That's great.

Friend: I ate dinner at this fancy restaurant and had the pie.
Me: That's great.

Friend: My boss gave me the afternoon off.
Me: That's great.


I'm starting to really annoy myself. Because even if those who hear me say "that's great" aren't aware of my habit, I am. And in my head, it sounds sarcastic.

I try to add other words, "that's really great" or "that's so great." Or substitute, "that's awesome" or "that's nice." But I always end up saying "that's great" in the end.

When did I become such a lukewarm conversationalist? Instead of doing the nice thing and asking a question in return (What inspired this color? Ooh, what other desserts did they have? What are you going to do on your free afternoon?), I simply drop a cinderblock onto the conversation.

Maybe I just need to sleep more. That would be so great.

Shit.

Disneyland makes me want to be a better person.

Why have I never ever ever ever been to Disneyland before now?

Why have I wasted the first 28 years of my life not going to Disneyland?

Why am I not extending my LA trip to go to Disneyland six more times?

If you haven't been to Disneyland, book a trip and go now. It's amazing. I can't even tell you how amazing it it.

It's ... awesome. It's the coolest, most well-thought-out, organized, funny, happy place I've ever been.

It's brilliant.

It's so brilliant that my telling you to go to Disneyland is now officially the most important thing I've ever done. In my life.

I think I need to eat some drugs.

All I'm saying is that Charlie Sheen may die on the back of a dragon in the near future.

But until then, he's coming up with some platinum-set gems. I would kill to have that way with words for ten seconds.

I'm not listening to anything.

I have a confession. Although I'm wearing my ear buds while typing on the computer, I'm not actually listening to anything (unless you count the almost inaudible white noise being pumped into my eardrums).

I'm a writer. And it's hard for me to write when my favorite songs are playing. It's too tempting to sing along.

It's also hard for me to write when people drop by my desk to chat. Or to "get my opinion" on something they wrote. Or to have me change one word in something I wrote two weeks ago.

So I don't wear my ear buds to bebop to my iTunes. I wear my ear buds so you think I'm bebopping to my iTunes.

So you'll leave me alone. And you'll email me instead. And I can do my job with minimal distractions and stay in my creative zone.

It really works. I wish I had thought of it sooner.

Medieval times wants me.

Some years ago when Cooter Brown turned 30, I thought it would be funny to host his birthday at Medieval Times. So I did some research and found that they do children's parties. But nothing was mentioned about adult birthdays.

So I did what anyone would do. I emailed them.

"The birthday boy will be turning 30," I typed. "What kind of group rate could we get for 10 - 15 guests, and do we still get cake?"

The response was lacking. Medieval Times, although promising a hilarious time, would be a bit too much money per guest, especially considering we'd end up at a bar afterwards. There's definitely a per-person dollar cap on humor when you make what I make.

Anyhoo, my actions landed me on their ECRM (that's electronic customer relationship marketing, for you non-industry folk) list. And I periodically get discount offers, merchandise information, and snow information.

But for some reason, as nerdy as it is to get email updates from Medieval times, I can't opt-out. I don't want to. Because I'll be thirty some day. And you bet I'll turn 30 from the Queen's throne, where I rightfully belong.

Or just at a bar.

Let’s wreck shop at Sweet Tomatoes.

To fully appreciate this post, you must be familiar with the song “Shots” by LMFAO. Play the song as you read.

———————-

My husband and I were enjoying dessert at Sweet Tomatoes when a fun 80s song played over the P.A.

My husband looks up and asks me, “What would happen if they played LMFAO’s ‘Shots’ here?”

And suddenly, they were. I grabbed my husband’s bowl of chocolate soft serve and launched it across the restaurant. It stuck to a wall and slid down. He and I high-fived before leaping on top of the tables.

He jumped from booth to booth ripping the table tents apart and stomping on peoples’ salads. I climbed on top of the soda fountain in order to reach the large, hanging signs. Then I Tarzanned my way over to the salad bar.

By this time, Hubby had lifted one of the soup drums from the buffet line and was dousing an old man in Chicken Noodle. Lil John’s signature yeeeeeah blared over the speakers as a baked potato sailed through the air and smacked a six year old.

All while I danced down the salad bar. Lettuce, chopped onions, kidney beans were raining down like dolla’ dolla’ bills y’all.

“Everybody! Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots!”

The cooks came stampeding out of the kitchen like bulls with rabies, armed with pasta sauce and various rolls. No one was safe as spoonfuls of macaroni and focaccia cheese toast splatted faces and were dumped down pants.

“I love you, baby,” my husband roared as he swirlied teenagers into the lemonade tank. I wasn’t around to hear, for I was stuffing muffins into the toilets causing an epic overflow.

And then, the song stopped. And everything returned to normal.

My husband finished off his soft serve, and I carefully folded two dollars to leave as a tip. Another successful Sunday dinner at Sweet Tomatoes had ended.