Spider, you’re really screwing up my Zen.

It’s a well-known fact that I am afraid of spiders.

And by “afraid,” I mean frozen-in-terror, gasoline-powered heart, I’m-3-years-old-and-staring-into-the-soulless-black-pits-of-the-boogey-man’s-eyes terrified.

It makes no sense, but it’s a phobia and that’s just how they are.

Anyway, while at yoga the other day, I’m pretzyled into some insane posture when I see a tiny gold something float near my head (near meaning like 3 feet).

Please don’t be a spider, I think. So I squinted and tried to see more clearly.

It was a spider. Naturally.

He swung from an invisible thread and threatened me with his little 8-legged body. I tried to breath more deeply in that yoga way, but I feared inhaling would only swing Mr. Spider in my direction.

And possibly on my face.

So I half-heartedly listened to the instructor and just watched the arachnid taunt me from his invisible wire.

Then the yogi told us to face the opposite direction.

Oh, hell no. I could keep my cool as long as I could see the spider. But there was no way I was going to turn my back on it. Absolutely not.

So I scooted a foot over in what I thought was a subtle manner. But I just couldn’t make myself turn around knowing what lurked to my right.

“Is there a problem,” the yogi asked. That’s when I noticed that I was up off of my mat, on my feet and slowly crossing the room.

A normal person would have answered with, “Yes. I’m just going to the restroom,” then returned and repositioned a different spot closer to the air conditioner. Something clever.

But no. I stare with wide open eyes and meekly whisper, “There’s a spider…,” and point to the empty air like a murder witness.

So class halted. Completely stopped. I tried to tell them that I’d just move my mat. Or go to my car and go home and scrub myself with brillo pads and bleach. But all of a sudden, the yogi and a bunch of guys are combing through the air for a spider smaller than a pencil eraser.

“Where is it?” someone asked. I uselessly pointed from 5 feet away. Eventually, Mr. Spider was captured (in someone’s hands!) and released out of a window. After all, you can’t kill something in a yoga class held above a vegetarian restaurant.

So I reluctantly returned to my space and we all did some calm-down breathing exercises on my behalf.

And now I can never show my face at yoga again.