What's the deal with Miami?

CSI: Miami.
Top Chef: Miami
Miami Vice
Reno 911: Miami
The Real World: Miami
Dexter (takes place in Miami)
Nip/Tuck (took place in Miami, but it's now in Hollywood; they wised up)
And on and on the list could go. IMDB "Miami" if you really want more.

There seems to be this obsession with Miami. Apparently, Miami is a mecca for creativity and fun and culture and attractive people.

Apparently, everyone is blind and retarded and in dire need of a labotomy. If Miami is the mecca of anything, it's humidity, mosquitoes, fattening food, offensively horrible boob jobs and skin cancer.

I have to ask you lovers of Miami, have you been there? Have you been there sober? Do you have eyes?

I'll admit, I've only been there once. The thing that confuses me, though, is that I went in 2006. Miami seems to think that it's still 1986 (maybe 1992 but that depends on what dinged-to-hell convertible happened to be passing at the time).

The pastel-colored buildings were crumbling apart. And come to think of it, so were the palm trees. There were more huge branches on the ground than there were stones and grass. And someone forgot to tell the oh-so-trendy Miami that neon and Rude Dog stopped being cool when Saved by the Bell went off the air (the original, not New Class or College Years).

"But South Beach is the cool part of Miami," I've been told. Well, I spent some time there, too. And I'm not sold. It's the cool part of Miami if you're a ... You know? I spent five minutes trying to think of something witty and clever to put there. And it's just not going to happen today. Miami is so creepy to me, it has stunted my creativity.

"But the night life in Miami is better than everywhere! And you can drink until 5 AM!" You know why Miami let's people drink until 5 AM? So they can convince people to live there. I can't imagine going more than 2 days in that place sober.

"But the beach is right there!" You know what the ocean is full of? Fish shit and whale sperm. Enjoy your parasailing, folks.

In Miami's defense, I remained (mostly) in the touristy parts. Perhaps the neighborhoods are quieter, drier, safer and prettier.

Too bad I won't be going back to find out.