I have a deal for the bed bugs.

Dear Bed Bugs,

I have a few family members around the country who've had to deal with exterminating you. And the whole experience sounds awful.

Steaming furniture. Bagging books. Washing everything including curtains. Temporarily moving out. Spending assloads of money.

I don't want to do any of that.

So I'll cut you a deal, Bed Bugs. I hear that you like tasty tasty blood. In fact, I hear you love it. So I will gladly give you a lip-smacky vial of my sweet vegetarian blood every week if you promise not to infest my home.

I'll even deliver it to wherever you'd like.

Think about it. Fragrant, veggie blood. I'll even eat extra fruit so it's super sugary with hints of citrus. And just think, you won't have to try and break through my skin. Extra bonus!

Act now, Bed Bugs. I'm completely serious.