Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Part of my new project: The Many Deaths of Humpty Dumpty.*


Humpty Dumpty stared at the morning paper in horror.

“Ova-Cidal Maniac Strikes Again!” the front page proclaimed.

Before reading further, humpty ran to his window and threw the curtains closed. He didn’t want some ova-phobe watching him as he ate his cereal.

He returned to the paper and read further.

“The King’s Men claim to be closer to cracking this case,” the paper said. “However, given the delicacy of this situation, all egg-nic citizens are advised to use the buddy system and remain in constant contact with loved ones.”

Just then, a loud noise sent Humpty diving under his table armed with only his cereal spoon. It took three more knocks before he realized it was someone at his front door.

He slowly opened it. Standing on his stoop was a King’s Man.

“Mr. Humpty Dumpty?” the officer asked. “I’m here to see if you’re safe. In case you aren’t aware, there’s a dangerous criminal targeting …”

“I’m aware. Believe me, I’m aware.” Humpty opened the door further to allow the officer to enter.

“Have you had any threats made on your life recently?” The King’s Man pulled out a small tablet and quill from his breast pocket.

“No more than usual,” Humpty informed him. The officer gave him a puzzled look. “I’m a political blogger,” Humpty continued. “Death threats are part of the job.”

“I see. You’re a well-known advocate for Egg Rights.” Notes were scribbled down. A business card was passed. And the King’s Man left.”

Humpty went to his cushy couch and plopped down. It was only a matter of time before the serial killer would make an attempt on his, Humpty’s life.

He rolled to his side and heard the sloshing of his delicate innards.

So delicate. If only there were a way to toughen up. But not having muscles made it hard.

Then he had an epiphany!

Humpty Dumpty ran to the bathroom. Good thing he hadn’t gotten rid of the bathtub like he had initially wanted to. (Eggs don’t sweat, so they don’t really need to bathe.) He climbed into the empty tub and opened the hot water valve all the way.

As the temperature climbed and steam filled the room, Humpty screamed. It wasn’t pain he was feeling as his yolk hardened, but it wasn’t egg-stacy either.

Twenty minutes later, he was a new man. Sort of.

“Now if I crack, I’ll have a chance!” he proclaimed to the mirror.

***

A week later, Humpty was lunching with a fellow Egg Rights advocate. He bought a coffee and a sandwich at a café and went to the park to wait for his companion.

He chose to sit on a wall facing the street so he could see his friend coming.

But that didn’t turn out the way he had planned.

Just as Humpty was taking the first sip of his coffee, he was thrust forward off of the wall. Granted, the fall was only about four feet, but to an egg it might as well be 100.

He hit the ground with a thud and a crack. Stunned, he realized he was still in one piece.

That’s when he heard hoofs. The King’s Men and their horses had been watching from a distance. “Mr. Dumpty,” the officer from a week ago shouted, “Mr. Dumpty, are you okay?”

The egg managed to sit up. A mighty crack ran from the top of what could be considered his head to where a belly button would go.

A team of medics swooped in and hauled Humpty away in a horse-drawn ambulance.

*He doesn't always have to die. He's not Kenny from South Park.