Isn't that Pinteresting?

Pinterest is the latest social Internet sensation where everybody (read: mostly women) post cutesy things that make them giggle with glee.

It's also the latest thing to fill me with hate.

I tried to like it, I really did. I gave it an honest go. But the sugary sweetness of it all just left me bitter. I can only take so many exclamations of "yum," so many "things I must try," and insane examples of nail art.

Pinterest makes you follow tons of people upon signing. There is no way around this. So all of those dumbasses on Facebook that you won't unfriend (but won't pay attention to either) are assaulting you on Pinterest with their love of toned tummies (despite their out-of-shape profile photos), beachside lounge chairs (in their "Places I Want To Go" boards), and pictures of cake balls.

Oh God, there are so many cake balls.

I hate cake balls.

And it's all so ... cute. Where's the sarcasm? The bitterness? The clever comedy? 

I love me some DIY, don't get me wrong, but I really can't take another lampshade made out of ribbons. It isn't cute! It looks like shit! Why are you saying it's cute and that you want to try it and it'll look good in your child's bedroom ... when you have kids someday ... by the way you're not dating anyone and I don't think you've been shopping at the sperm bank,  have you?

That's the other thing. Why are there so many posts from childless, single people about their weddings and children's outfits? I find that really creepy. If you have a secret when-I-get-married book, cool. Fine. Stuff it under your bed or hide it in your closet where it belongs. Don't put it on Pinterest where everyone you knew in high school can now see it.

And judge you. And know that I am fucking judging you. I'm not even going to fake nice about that.

Oh, and add to all of this that Pinterest is basically a legal nightmare with copyright responsibility. But I won't even get into that. I'm just going to listen to another one of my clients ask me how they can increase online interactions within their preferred customer base using Pinterest.

While I stab myself with a pin under the table. So I feel something other than anger.

My parents have been divorced for over 20 years.

Of those 20 years, my mom has been with her husband for at least 18. My dad has had a few partners, but his current partner has been around for a decade.

They just got engaged.

And for some reason, it weirds me out.

It seriously weirds me out.

Mom getting married didn’t bother me one bit. It felt like the thing to do. It felt normal. Her husband already felt like a dad to me.

But Dad getting married?

Maybe it’s because I’m older now. Maybe it’s because I’m married myself. Maybe it’s just because I found out about the engagement after everyone else.

Yeah, that has to be it. I feel left out. Not included. Cast aside.

Unimportant. 

One carries keys. One carries people. Guess which is worth more.

This is the value of my car according to Kelly Blue Book.

This is the value of a fucking purse.

Can someone tell me why a purse is worth $3,634.99 MORE than a car? A FUCKIN PURSE! Just for the record, they're the same color. So that's not the reason. I mean, does the purse have a power seat and a rear defroster? I didn't think so. Or an MP3 player? Or fucking wheels?

To quote an internet meme:

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

"Don't screw it up."

My old boss knew how to motivate me.

Right after every assignment he'd give me, he'd always say, "Don't fuck it up," or "Don't screw this one up," as I walked out the door.

He'd always deliver the line in the most jovial way, too. And it never failed to make me smile and, most importantly, give a shit.

Because I always wanted to hear him say, "Thanks for not fucking this up." Or even, "Nice job."

And you know what? Most of the time, I did.

You have to find out how to work with others, and discover how to make them work. It's key for your success, their success, and overall contentment in the workplace.

I respond well to a) being told directly what to do with b) a smirk and c) cursing.

My boss knew that.

And to this day, no matter who I'm working for at the moment, before I ever type a single word, I always tell myself, "Don't fuck this up."

And I don't.

Takeover ads suck balls.

Study after study shows that people are very impatient when they're using the Internet.

We click the first link we see. We leave a page if it takes more than three seconds to load. And we have no tolerance for ads that cover up the stuff we're looking for.

As a person who works in advertising, I love a good ad. And if it's awesome enough, I might not mind it taking up a valuable fives seconds of my day. The problem is most ads are terrible, boring, and don't reward me for my patience.

Like this piece of shit, which unveils itself without my permission.

This yogurt ad takes up my entire freaking window. In fact, I had to expand my window to find the close button, which is tiny and slammed as far into the top right corner as it could possibly be. Piece of shit ad is right justified, too, making it even harder to click.

Urgh.

Then it plays a boring ass commercial. BORING BORING BORING. I know it's yogurt, but yogurt can be fun. If only the marketing directors at Yoplait has let the ad agency do something fun. Like throw yogurt on the page. Or put yogurt mustaches on every photo. Or something that would have made me smile and given me a positive experience, instead of pissing me off and making me want to eat cereal.

At least the sound was off. Otherwise, my laptop might have ended up on the floor.

iMiss Steve Jobs, even though iNever met him.

iAm not a brand-loyal person.
iBuy a different toothpaste every time.
iCould care less about who made my TV.
iCouldn't tell you what company produced the shoes on my feet.

But my way of keeping in touch with the whole world? iCan tell you exactly who's responsible that.

Today, iFeel sadness for a man I've never met, but who has aided my creativity and career for so many years.

Thank you, Steve, for bringing us all into the future.

Designers can be real dicks.

I'm an advertising copywriter, which means I work with tons of designers and art directors.

And they all have their quirks. Most of them have very unique qualities. Many of them fall into stereotypes.

And many of them are assholes about other designers.

Being a freelancer, I oftentimes will work with several designers on the same account. And I'll never understand why they'll view a piece I've worked on, and then knock it in front of me. But in particular, the designer that worked on it.

"Ugh. That looks like shit. That tiny little spec right there. I would have magicked that out and used Pantone whatever. That color right there is so cliche. Any why is it on paper? I would have used leather."

I always want to scream at them.

"Dude, that's my fucking work, too!"

"Hey, asshole, I didn't ask for your opinion."

"You should see what this guy said about your piece!"

There are many times when I see shitty writing, and although I bitch about it a lot, I probably only express my opinion half of the time. Because I know how bogged-down-depressing being a professional creative can be at times—always having your work under an electron microscope by people that constantly profess "I know I'm not creative, but ..."

... but lick my ass.

So I would think that designers, knowing damn well what other designers go through, would be a little nicer. At least to my face seeing as I know the guy they're insulting and I probably like that guy, too.

Although, most of the time, it's the inferior designer bitching about the better designer. At least in my opinion. I mean, I'm not a designer, but ...